Can't update Ubuntu. " Not using locking for read only lock file /var/lib/dpkg/lock"

Pasting what I could from Terminal from guide posted on https://help.ubuntu.com/community/PackageManagerTroubleshootingProcedure

At some points where the output was long, Terminal seemed to auto-clear the text above a certain point, and so not all the text could be copied. I noted where that happened in the log. To retrieve as much of the information as I could, I copied and pasted after running each command.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but System Monitor and the Software Center don't open anymore. Running the updater doesn't do much, as every button I press seems to just refresh the list. I can't access settings because it just refreshes the list; I can update packages because all it does is refresh the list. (I can select/deselect packages just fine, but I can't do anything with them even if I do).

Honestly, all I want to do is update Chrome if this old laptop of mine can handle it. Everything else doesn't matter.

!! Would it just be easier to get all my important files off and install a fresher version of Ubuntu and start with a clean slate than to repair this version?

Distributor ID: Ubuntu
Description: Ubuntu 12.04.2 LTS
Release: 12.04
Codename: precise

sidka@Sidka:~$ ubuntu-support-status
Support status summary of 'Sidka':

You have 147 packages (6.5%) supported until October 2013 (18m)
You have 24 packages (1.1%) supported until June 2015 (18m)
You have 1812 packages (80.4%) supported until April 2017 (5y)

You have 14 packages (0.6%) that can not/no longer be downloaded
You have 258 packages (11.4%) that are unsupported

Run with --show-unsupported, --show-supported or --show-all to see more details
sidka@Sidka:~$
sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo grep -R proxy /etc/apt/*
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
sidka@Sidka:~$ sidka@Sidka:~$ grep proxy /etc/environment
sidka@Sidka:~$ echo $http_proxy

sidka@Sidka:~$ echo $ftp_proxy

sidka@Sidka:~$ grep proxy /etc/bash.bashrc
sidka@Sidka:~$ grep proxy ~/.bashrc
sidka@Sidka:~$
sidka@Sidka:~$
sidka@Sidka:~$ cat /etc/apt/apt.conf
cat: /etc/apt/apt.conf: No such file or directory
sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo fuser -vvv /var/lib/dpkg/lock
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
sidka@Sidka:~$ cat /etc/lsb-release
DISTRIB_ID=Ubuntu
DISTRIB_RELEASE=12.04
DISTRIB_CODENAME=precise
DISTRIB_DESCRIPTION="Ubuntu 12.04.2 LTS"
sidka@Sidka:~$ uname -a
Linux Sidka 3.2.0-41-generic #66-Ubuntu SMP Thu Apr 25 03:28:09 UTC 2013 i686 athlon i386 GNU/Linux

sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo rm /var/lib/apt/lists/lock
[sudo] password for sidka:
Sorry, try again.
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/lock': Read-only file system
sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo rm /var/lib/dpkg/lock
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/dpkg/lock': Read-only file system
sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo cp -arf /var/lib/dpkg /var/lib/dpkg.backup
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
cp: cannot create directory `/var/lib/dpkg.backup': Read-only file system
sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo mv /var/lib/dpkg/status /var/lib/dpkg/status-bad
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
mv: cannot move `/var/lib/dpkg/status' to `/var/lib/dpkg/status-bad': Read-only file system
sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo cp /var/lib/dpkg/status-old /var/lib/dpkg/status || sudo cp /var/backups/apt.extended_states.0 /var/lib/dpkg/status
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
cp: cannot create regular file `/var/lib/dpkg/status': Read-only file system
sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo cp /var/lib/dpkg/status-old /var/lib/dpkg/status || sudo cp /var/backups/apt.extended_states.0 /var/lib/dpkg/status
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
cp: cannot create regular file `/var/lib/dpkg/status': Read-only file system
[sudo] password for sidka:
lSorry, try again.
[sudo] password for sidka:
Sorry, try again.
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
cp: cannot create regular file `/var/lib/dpkg/status': Read-only file system
sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo cp /var/lib/dpkg/available-old /var/lib/dpkg/available
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
cp: cannot create regular file `/var/lib/dpkg/available': Read-only file system
sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo rm -rf /var/lib/dpkg/updates/*
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system

[[It cuts out the top bit. I don't know why, but here's what I can get when I run sudo rm -rf /var/lib/apt/lists]]

rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/security.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise-security_main_i18n_Translation-en': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/security.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise-security_universe_i18n_Index': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/us.archive.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise_restricted_source_Sources': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/security.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise-security_restricted_binary-i386_Packages': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/us.archive.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise-updates_main_source_Sources': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/security.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise-security_main_binary-i386_Packages': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/security.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise-security_multiverse_i18n_Translation-en': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/us.archive.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise-updates_restricted_i18n_Index': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/us.archive.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise-updates_main_i18n_Index': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/us.archive.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise_restricted_i18n_Index': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/security.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise-security_restricted_i18n_Index': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/us.archive.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise-updates_main_binary-i386_Packages': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/us.archive.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise-updates_multiverse_binary-i386_Packages': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/lib/apt/lists/us.archive.ubuntu.com_ubuntu_dists_precise_Release.gpg': Read-only file system

sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo rm /var/cache/apt/*.bin
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/cache/apt/pkgcache.bin': Read-only file system
rm: cannot remove `/var/cache/apt/srcpkgcache.bin': Read-only file system
sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo mkdir /var/lib/apt/lists
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
mkdir: cannot create directory `/var/lib/apt/lists': File exists
sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo mkdir /var/lib/apt/lists/partial
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
mkdir: cannot create directory `/var/lib/apt/lists/partial': File exists
sidka@Sidka:~$ LANG=C;sudo apt-get clean
[sudo] password for sidka:
Sorry, try again.
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
W: Not using locking for read only lock file /var/cache/apt/archives/lock
sidka@Sidka:~$ LANG=C;sudo apt-get autoclean
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
W: Not using locking for read only lock file /var/cache/apt/archives/lock
W: Not using locking for read only lock file /var/lib/dpkg/lock
E: Unable to write to /var/cache/apt/
E: The package lists or status file could not be parsed or opened.
sidka@Sidka:~$ LANG=C;sudo apt-get --purge autoremove
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
W: Not using locking for read only lock file /var/lib/dpkg/lock
E: Unable to write to /var/cache/apt/
E: The package lists or status file could not be parsed or opened.

[[Another cut out for LANG=C;sudo apt-get --fix-missing update -o APT::Cache-Limit=100000000]]
tiverse/binary-i386/Packages 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.14 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://security.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-security/restricted/source/Sources 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.14 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://security.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-security/universe/source/Sources 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.14 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://security.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-security/multiverse/source/Sources 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.14 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://security.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-security/main/binary-i386/Packages 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.14 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://security.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-security/restricted/binary-i386/Packages 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.14 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://security.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-security/universe/binary-i386/Packages 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.14 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://security.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-security/multiverse/binary-i386/Packages 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.14 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://archive.canonical.com/ubuntu/dists/precise/partner/binary-i386/Packages 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.92.150 80]

E: Some index files failed to download. They have been ignored, or old ones used instead.
W: Not using locking for read only lock file /var/lib/dpkg/lock

sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo dpkg --configure -a
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
dpkg: error: unable to access dpkg status area: Read-only file system
sidka@Sidka:~$ sudo dpkg --clear-avail
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
dpkg: error: unable to access dpkg status area for bulk available update: Read-only file system
sidka@Sidka:~$ LANG=C;sudo apt-get -f install
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
W: Not using locking for read only lock file /var/lib/dpkg/lock
E: Unable to write to /var/cache/apt/
E: The package lists or status file could not be parsed or opened.
sidka@Sidka:~$ LANG=C;sudo apt-get --fix-missing install
[sudo] password for sidka:
sudo: unable to open /var/lib/sudo/sidka/0: Read-only file system
W: Not using locking for read only lock file /var/lib/dpkg/lock
E: Unable to write to /var/cache/apt/
E: The package lists or status file could not be parsed or opened.

[[Yet another cut out LANG=C;sudo apt-get update -o APT::Cache-Limit=100000000 && sudo apt-get dist-upgrade]]
ary-i386/Packages 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.92.191 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://us.archive.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-updates/main/source/Sources 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.15 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://us.archive.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-updates/restricted/source/Sources 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.15 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://us.archive.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-updates/universe/source/Sources 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.15 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://us.archive.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-updates/multiverse/source/Sources 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.15 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://us.archive.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-updates/main/binary-i386/Packages 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.15 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://us.archive.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-updates/restricted/binary-i386/Packages 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.15 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://us.archive.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-updates/universe/binary-i386/Packages 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.15 80]

W: Failed to fetch http://us.archive.ubuntu.com/ubuntu/dists/precise-updates/multiverse/binary-i386/Packages 404 Not Found [IP: 91.189.91.15 80]

E: Some index files failed to download. They have been ignored, or old ones used instead.
W: Not using locking for read only lock file /var/lib/dpkg/lock

[[Last one for find /etc/apt -name '*.list' -exec bash -c 'echo -e "\n$1\n"; cat -n "$1"' _ '{}' \;]]

sabled on upgrade to oneiric

/etc/apt/sources.list.d/kilian-f_lux-oneiric.list

     1 # deb http://ppa.launchpad.net/kilian/f.lux/ubuntu precise main # disabled on upgrade to precise
     2 # deb-src http://ppa.launchpad.net/kilian/f.lux/ubuntu precise main # disabled on upgrade to precise

/etc/apt/sources.list.d/google-musicmanager.list

     1 ### THIS FILE IS AUTOMATICALLY CONFIGURED ###
     2 # You may comment out this entry, but any other modifications may be lost.
     3 deb http://dl.google.com/linux/musicmanager/deb/ stable main

/etc/apt/sources.list.d/google-chrome.list

     1 ### THIS FILE IS AUTOMATICALLY CONFIGURED ###
     2 # You may comment out this entry, but any other modifications may be lost.
     3 deb http://dl.google.com/linux/chrome/deb/ stable main

/etc/apt/sources.list.d/ubuntu-wine-ppa-natty.list

     1 # deb http://ppa.launchpad.net/ubuntu-wine/ppa/ubuntu oneiric main # disabled on upgrade to oneiric
     2 # deb-src http://ppa.launchpad.net/ubuntu-wine/ppa/ubuntu oneiric main # disabled on upgrade to oneiric