Installing UBUNTU ... without the ifs/buts/maybe ...

Right folks,

I better apologise before I start ... I apologise to anyone who may read this and take offence to it ...

I reckon I'm trying to do something that should be very simple ... and a proven technique.

- I've never used UBUNTU before.
- I'm using XP (because it works without a million webpages trying to figure it out ... sorry ... that was probably iritating ...).
- My CD/DVD drive is not working.
- I want to install UBUNTU using USB.
- My PC facilitates booting from USB.
- The UBUNTU help was useless because it presumes you've already got UBUNTU ... fantastic ... fdisk, sudo blahhhh ... feck sake.

- Aren't UBUNTU supposed to try and encourage the hated Windows users over to the dark-side ... instead there seems to be every sort of fiddle-fart website advertising how best to install UBUNTU ... like it's some kind of knowledge build up through generations of frustration & finally something worked (though not quite sure how it all came together ... cos you took the advice of 1 million helpers to do something so small ...) ... sorry folks. I'm so annoyed with this thing.

- So, without the Linux babble, can someone baby-talk an XP user on 'How to install UBUNTU onto a PC using USB while not going off on tangents and not including unix commands' ... please ... I intend to run XP and UBUNTU on the same machine.

- Hopefully at this point I haven't annoyed you all (or dis-respected those of you who know this stuff inside-out ...) ...