so i downloaded the ubuntu software and tried booting it but I wasn't able to because it said my security settings wont allow me to do so. This is so incredibly frusterating.

You have secureboot enabled
 This is a setting in your system. You need to use the 64bit ISO and you probably downloaded the 32bit one.

If you received a 'no bs CD' and it was 32bit it still wouldn't work because of the hardware in your system. You just have to use the right image.

It's like putting diesel in a petrol engine. Why can't the "petrol companies sort it out?". Is basically what you just moaned. Silly isn't it.

I hardly think it's silly for a user to be able to easily install Linux for years and suddenly come across this secureboot garbage.

^^That's a really bad (or at least over-simplifed) analogy. It's more like an engine that could run off both diesel and petrol for years, but then the petrol makers convinced the engine manufacturer to artificially limit the engine to petrol use, because they claimed diesel producers weren't trustworthy.

Secureboot is a thinly-veiled attempt to make it more difficult to install non-Windows OS's. Microsoft stole a page from lawmakers seeking to take away privacy/liberties, i.e. "Sugarcoat it by telling them it's all for their security and then they will complain less when we shove it down their throat."

As you have secure boot you must use 64bit. If you disable secureboot (if you can) then it will run 32bit if you want.